I haven’t eaten in two days, yesterday was literally the greatest day I’ve had in a while- so many thoughts so much energy.
Today I painted three contrasting things, all somewhat dark (except parts of a landscape I did for my father), and the ideas kept coming then going as I put them to canvas and hated the result.
Then I remembered some things a friend told me and did some research on manic-depressive bipolar disorder.
I’m so so done.
I’ll be honest, I kinda forgot about this thing. I don’t think it’s even been that long.
I’m cleaning a lot out of my room, trying to keep only what I need. I came across a lot of old memories… of when I had just turned 18. It seems like years ago. I was in love, happy, calm, sober, I had so much hope even though I felt so confused and hurt then sometimes. It wasn’t the majority. I guess it isn’t the majority now but it isn’t better than before. Why did I ruin this year so early?
I have to burn so much of this romantic shit.
My grandma who lives halfway across the world called today to make sure that we weren’t lost in the tornadoes down south. It was really sweet, but I was the only one who ran to get the phone… at 7 a.m. In the summer. Guys.
Then a girl in my art class called me because I’d apparently left some work there that I’ll have to come get before the school closes next week. Again, not a bad thing, but that was probably at 9 a.m.
I had a terribly horrible and religious based nightmare last night, guys. I won’t talk about it, no matter who asks, but it’s really sick. I hate when my nightmares involve kids and religion.
Maybe I shouldn’t have watched Iron Man (a film set heavily in extremist Middle Eastern culture) until 1 in the morning with my dad while heavily binging on Sour Patch Kids and old popcorn that the movie theatre gives us for free. I mean, just a guess.
Well yesterday I spent most of the night retrogaming (I really need to write some reviews…) with an old friend, and we’re going to see the new Iron Man tonight. But it’s not really a date. Is it? I feel like it’s not, but maybe that’s me being awkward. Or not wanting it to be. Because I’m only living here for two more months.
Is hanging out after you sleep with someone dating? Because I feel like we just have a lot of very specific things in common.
First kid in my town to win the NFL (National Forensics League) Academic All-American award today. One of like 15 in history from Kansas. So that’s nice.
Seems like I shouldn’t after all of the crap I’ve gotten into, but that doesn’t take away all of the work I’ve done the past four years, nor does it mean I’ll do any less in the future.
So that’s exciting and stuff. You think it’d qualify me to work for more than minimum wage scraping together to get to college this summer…
I guess I should be happy that I can cross off all the things on my high school bucket list… but god damn yesterday was weird.
Graduation day. Hell, I have no idea what I’m doing.
Today, as I was cleaning my bedroom for the first time this year without being harped at by my parents, I decided that this was the chance I’ve been waiting for all year. To throw away all of the shit in my metaphorical closet (I’m too scared to actually look through my real one) and start the hell over. Once I’m in town I’ll throw away the pack of cigarettes in my truck I felt so cool for choking down two of, get my ass graduated, deposit the money I’ve been given in my bank account (wait, I’ll have to do that Monday…), and grow the fuck up.
And blog about it.
Sundresses and sensible haircuts are always what I saw happen to girls after they graduate high school. Whenever they visit, that’s how they look. Like the young adults they should be. I looked in the mirror at myself the other day and realized it had struck me too, but this is my real chance. I’ve got two months left in this little town before I move to… well, another little town (BUT A NEW ONE), and I’m getting my shit together.
Step one, calm down on the language. Stupid.